Two blog posts in one week? Whaaaaat?
In all honesty, when I started this blog I planned on posting much more than I have. I came to realize however that unless I really had something to say – don’t waste anyone’s time. We’ll post updates and the such on the facebook page and I may talk about those here a bit but I really want this to more of a narrative of this experience rather than update central.
I also noticed that my previous posts have been far less of the “giggles” that the title of this blog would suggest so I guess it’s time to make everyone laugh a bit!
Chemo is a crazy thing (ok, maybe that statement isn’t light hearted and fun… bear with me a second). The purpose of this “poison” is to track down those little cancer cell bastards and smack them around like the little bitches they are. Oh yea, then kill them. Chemotherapy drugs do a pretty good job of doing that but they’re kind of like that guy in your office who is really good at his job, but you don’t really want to hang out with him because he’s a weirdo. You’re pretty certain he’s a serial killer on the weekends but the company can’t afford to let him go. Not only are these drugs good at what they do…. they only do one specific thing in many cases so they have to invite all their weirdo friends to the party to become a “cocktail of awkwardness”.
In my case, currently the chemo drugs that I’m on are doing their job. The tumors are shrinking, my CEA number continues to drop (that’s the cancer marker in my blood – high numbers bad, low numbers good) and I feel well – aside from this s.o.b of a cold that some child of mine brought home. BUT…. I do have some complaints about the current group of weirdos that I’m working with, so I’m going to conduct this like a job performance review of the group. In the corporate culture that is my physical, emotional and family health, “we” have some expectations that this “division” of the company isn’t preforming quite as well in. Imagine if you will, the following scenario. Please also keep in mind that I’ve been self employed for 12 1/2 years so my vision of a corporate performance review may be more SNL sketch comedy, less reality.
Rachel (that’s me. The CEO of this organization and hitherto referred to in this script as “boss”)
Boss: Thank you for joining me today for your annual review. I see you’ve requested a pay increase for 2020 and we’ll discuss that as we move through this review. I do want to warn you that there will be some constructive criticism in this review. I hope you’ll take that criticism as an opportunity to learn and improve rather than as an insult you would feel inclined to retaliate against.
First, thank you for your hard work and positive results you’ve been yielding this year. It is apparent to our organization that you take your job seriously and work hard. The outcomes you’ve provided are a testament to that. We truly appreciate this. Here is a list of some observations we’ve made on the periphery of your specific job related goals where we feel some improvements could be made.
- Neuropathy. While we understood this “came with the territory” when we hired you, we feel that this little quirk of your personality can no longer be tolerated. True, the “cold” aspect of this has disappeared since your team member Oxaliplatin went on sabbatical, but we can’t allow you to take on your friend’s bad habits. (A note for those not familiar with neuropathy, it’s numbness in your extremities)
- ”Chemo Rash”. This is our largest example of “room for improvement” in your review. You seem to take too much delight in breaking my face, back and chest out into and acne – type explosion of bumps and whiteheads. You seem to enjoy it so much that you went from bringing this to the table 2-5 times in a two week period to allowing it to happen 12 out of 14 days per chemo round. The rash typically appears one day after treatment and disappears the night before the next treatment. We view this as immature and quite frankly kind of shitty on your part. I asked for the body I had when I was a teenager – not the skin. On a positive note in this area, you do seem to provide a rosey tint to my complexion. As this palest of white girls, I do appreciate this.
- Noisy Gas. We do realize that we need to address this also with your colleague the colostomy stoma (the little part of my intestines that sticks out of my abdomen) but the days immediately following treatment seem to be the days that are the worst. One can only assume you have something to do with this. There is nothing I can do to soften the sounds and so I sound like a 12 year old boy – tooting every 10 min.
- Strange hair growth. This is a biggie. We’ve never in our lives seen a stranger pattern of hair growth – and it’s not on our head. The following locations- or “districts” have received unusual performance statistics in the hair growth sector:
Eyebrows – while full eyebrows are “in” extra rows and the ever dreaded “uni-brow” are most certainly not.
Chin- The acne makes us look 14, the toots make us sound 12 but the hairs on our chinny- chin-chin are making us appear to be a 150 year old witch.
Nose – not so much inside the nose, more on the tips, we’ve noticed small, white baby hairs. Not welcome.
Earlobes – this one surprised us as well. Hair on one’s earlobes is freakish and unnatural. Please God, make it stop.
Unfortunately these line items have caused our waxing budget to balloon and we respectfully request an adjustment in this performance in order to reduce costs and the pity face our wax girl at Beauty Brands gives us every time we come in for a visit.
There are of course other areas of concern, which will be addressed over the coming year – especially in quarter one of 2020 after surgery.
Our last item for review is your request for an increase in compensation for 2020. As the government is currently working on legislation to control the costs of prescription medications, we can certainly understand your panic at the thought of cost control. We have reviewed your request and have concluded it’s not currently in our best interest to increase your compensation. We will continue to pay you through our insurance company’s established standards for deductibles and max out of pocket expenses. Don’t worry, I’m certain we’ll reach our deductible on one visit to your division.
Rachel, Inc. Thanks you for your time and commitment to this organization and we hope to continue our mutually somewhat beneficial relationship in the near future.
